Going through the trials and tribulations of my life at now 41 to realize, always knowing but not able to believe, that people can take take take and never give or to care for others emotions or time. I’ve known that I’ve been the black sheep of my family and friends circles, but just like most things in my life knowing but not accepting or believing in my heart Always hoping for another outcome. Always hoping that you will be loved by your family and friends in a way that you have been yearning for your complete life. Just for one moment that you would be cared for, feel safe and know in your bones for once that everything will be ok.
Time and time again that thought or dream of having that one moment is shown that it may never prevail. Knowing that I’m the only girl and hearing I’m sorry but that is what it is, that is your responsibility.
Having the courage to allow my mind to let it go, having the resources and the tools for my subconscious to let it go. Having the faith, respect, and courage for myself to let myself be great all alone with a small circle. Finally letting go of what I’ve always wanted, to be accepted into my family, and just being ok with the family that I need to create.
My father died just over a year ago and his things are still at my grandmothers home in the same place. My grandmother is going to be 99 next month she isn’t going to live forever, I thought it would be nice to have some sibling time together and clean dads things up together as a family. As I’m trying to schedule my life, I thought that I would bring it up to my oldest brother. He is in the millitary so has little control over his life, in my opinion when it comes to the family, but when it includes himself he can get what he wants when he wants. This is all my assumption and opinions based on the patterns that he has been displaying our whole life together. He proceeds to tell me what he is going to take, so I asked about the rest, I would like help, he proceeds to tell me. I’m not going into this with you right now.
People tell you to ask for help, when I do, this is common to the response that I get I can’t I have this or that. I wish that I could help but I’m just not physically able to. So I’ve learned that you just don’t ask, this is happened in my personal life and my work life. It actually just happed just two days ago when I told my boss that I can’t complete these projects like I thought I would be able to. The response, you did the right thing about telling me but I would have liked more time. This is after I’ve been telling him for weeks that I’m overwhelmed and he’s done nothing to assist other then let me know if there is anything that I can do.
A councilor once told me that it seems that you are a doll that sits in the corner prim and proper, when your family needs you to make them look good they will bring you off the shelf dust you off make you what they need and once you have fulfilled your duties to make their lifes good they will put you back up on the shelf until they need you again.
This year is about creating my own identity, who I am as a person. I’m not sure how it looks, but it is going to be only about my and who I chose.
Motherhood & Mental Health 