As I am preparing for my second mediation and potential court case, I have to review all documentation to ensure that I have all my facts straight. This has been a fear of mine because of triggers and PTSD. While I was reading the text messages, I’ve come to realize that maybe I have been slightly out of line and thinking out of emotions and not reality. Emotions are very hard for me, I’m a really emotional person and over the years, I’ve been searching for acceptance from my friends and family. I’ve been searching so hard that I have lost touch of who I truly am as a person. Its crazy to think that I’m in my very late 30’s going to therapy for 20 years and I am still searching to be heard and accepted. When, like the Dorthey from the wizard of oz.
“You’ve always had the power”
Glinda (Wizard of Oz)
When I have been very well aware for years of the little girl that I have hiding behind a beautiful tree with wooden swing on it, in a gorgeous meadow and I still chose to neglect her and not love her so she can come out of hiding and enjoy the swing and scenery. I have been putting her on the back burner, as I feel people do to me, which in fact people are just treating me like I treat myself.
Your life is not anyone’s priority and it doesn’t need to be. Your life is your priority, you are beautiful, you are blessed, you are loved, and you are safe.
We take pictures of moments that we want to last forever, like this picture of my 1st birthday. Priceless…
Why can’t we control our mind like we control when we chose to take pictures? We need to cherish every moment as we are not promised tomorrow. With this new growth, philosophy and understanding, I’ve been trying to change my mind chatter direction. When its starts to go to negative things, I ask myself would I take a picture of this?
There was a time in which you prepared for pictures as they were much harder and more expensive to save those memories. When I was born in the 80’s, you had to have a camera with film, take all the pictures that the film provided before you could take it in and get the pictures processed to look at, and cherish. In 2022, we can take pictures and/or video’s at a drop of a hat, weather they are good bad or in different. We use photography for different reasons now, to CYA, documentation, to make money off of. They are in a completely different view this day in age. Lets change the direction and path, go back to cherish the memories. Memories that we were able to live another day, walk on this earth and make a difference.
Sometimes, I feel sad because of my past. I often think about feeling abandoned, alone, unloved, and unimportant. These feelings come up more than I would like and I wanted to share it with you.
Through my parenting journey, now for 3 and a half years, it’s hard to believe. I continue to grow and learn to be the best parent that I can be along with reparenting myself. I’ve been challenged to dig deeper inside through ART therapy (Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)), and talk therapy. This challenge has raised a repeating trauma, Baby in the Corner, this is a scene from the 1987 rom-com Dirty Dancing… a great movie for relaxing and your selfcare.
For decades, as the only girl in my immediate family, my mother’s unsupportive words: “You’re a girl, I don’t know what to do with you.” Even now, she repeats this phrase, leaving me feeling unloved. As a child, I couldn’t understand why, as woman herself, she felt so lost in raising a daughter.
This sense of not being heard or a priority often arises in many of my relationships, whether personal, professional, in my career development, even in parenting…. As I shared with you previously, The Four Agreements:
Be impeccable with your words
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do the best you can
I’ve realized that taking things personally means absorbing others’ issues as my own. These issues often stem from their insecurities, bad moods, or lack of communication skills. For example, my mother’s inability to provide emotional support isn’t about me; it’s her limitation. She’s been clear about this, saying things like, “You’re a girl, I don’t know what to do with you,” and “Don’t expect something from me that I’m not capable of.” Her bluntness reflects her own constraints, not my worth. Hearing that my mother, who gave me life, couldn’t meet my emotional needs was incredibly painful. I always believed she should be my primary source of support, given our bond. Yet, I felt a sense of gratitude for her honesty. It was a lightbulb moment that revealed the disconnect wasn’t about me, but rather her own emotional struggles.
She simply lacked the tools to communicate her limitations effectively. This realization, while difficult, helped me understand the complexities of our relationship.
On reflection, I realized I had my own lessons to learn. I mistakenly thought my mother “should” love me a certain way, which is a cognitive distortion. While our relationship has improved and I understand her better now, I still face challenges. These ongoing struggles are signs of continued personal growth.
Every journey is unique, but as single co/parallel parenting mothers, we share a common goal: to seek the best for ourselves and our children.
If no one has reminded you today, let me be the first: You are incredible and doing an outstanding job!
Give yourself some grace. Take a deep breath, step outside for a refreshing walk, or enjoy your favorite drink. Take a moment to focus on something that brings you joy—you absolutely deserve it!
Going through the trials and tribulations of my life at now 41 to realize, always knowing but not able to believe, that people can take take take and never give or to care for others emotions or time. I’ve known that I’ve been the black sheep of my family and friends circles, but just like most things in my life knowing but not accepting or believing in my heart Always hoping for another outcome. Always hoping that you will be loved by your family and friends in a way that you have been yearning for your complete life. Just for one moment that you would be cared for, feel safe and know in your bones for once that everything will be ok.
Time and time again that thought or dream of having that one moment is shown that it may never prevail. Knowing that I’m the only girl and hearing I’m sorry but that is what it is, that is your responsibility.
Having the courage to allow my mind to let it go, having the resources and the tools for my subconscious to let it go. Having the faith, respect, and courage for myself to let myself be great all alone with a small circle. Finally letting go of what I’ve always wanted, to be accepted into my family, and just being ok with the family that I need to create.
My father died just over a year ago and his things are still at my grandmothers home in the same place. My grandmother is going to be 99 next month she isn’t going to live forever, I thought it would be nice to have some sibling time together and clean dads things up together as a family. As I’m trying to schedule my life, I thought that I would bring it up to my oldest brother. He is in the millitary so has little control over his life, in my opinion when it comes to the family, but when it includes himself he can get what he wants when he wants. This is all my assumption and opinions based on the patterns that he has been displaying our whole life together. He proceeds to tell me what he is going to take, so I asked about the rest, I would like help, he proceeds to tell me. I’m not going into this with you right now.
People tell you to ask for help, when I do, this is common to the response that I get I can’t I have this or that. I wish that I could help but I’m just not physically able to. So I’ve learned that you just don’t ask, this is happened in my personal life and my work life. It actually just happed just two days ago when I told my boss that I can’t complete these projects like I thought I would be able to. The response, you did the right thing about telling me but I would have liked more time. This is after I’ve been telling him for weeks that I’m overwhelmed and he’s done nothing to assist other then let me know if there is anything that I can do.
A councilor once told me that it seems that you are a doll that sits in the corner prim and proper, when your family needs you to make them look good they will bring you off the shelf dust you off make you what they need and once you have fulfilled your duties to make their lifes good they will put you back up on the shelf until they need you again.
This year is about creating my own identity, who I am as a person. I’m not sure how it looks, but it is going to be only about my and who I chose.
As I’m struggling emotionally through the next leap in my daughters gradual parenting time schedule.
I was tasked to work on acceptance and forgiveness as my councilor is on Vacation . As I was pondering these two topics, I came to realize that even though custody court has been complete for 8 months, and my daughter is now 15 months I still have not accepted the current custody agreement. Then after diving deeper into the feelings, I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself, who I truly am deep within my soul.
My apologies in advance for a moment of selfishness…
My daughter swimming on her own, almost at 14 months
I’m an amazing person and have accomplished many things in my life, school degrees even though I have a learning disability, having my own home and cars, starting a retirement fund to ensure that I can take care of myself when I retire, taking care of mental health on a daily/weekly basis, starting my blog page that I have been thinking about for over two years, starting a signal momma support group to help all single mothers including myself. I’m caring, loving, empathic, an amazing mother, friend, granddaughter, and daughter occasionally (working on being better).
Although I’m able to verbally and physically can write about these things about myself, I don’t believe them in my heart and soul that they are true. That is where my radical acceptance needs to begin. After searching the internet to understand acceptance and how to go about doing it or how it looks, I found this article in Psychology today, The Healing Power of Radical Acceptance, very insightful.
The idea of accepting what is becomes so disconcerting, especially when there’s deep pain attached to an event or circumstance. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation, that the circumstance goes away, or that we necessarily feel better about it. The impact and emotions it evokes is present irrespective of whether we accept it or not. The question is whether we’re layering on the pain and further intensifying and exacerbating what already exists.
This statement was very powerful but frustrating for me as I thought acceptance would help release my mind body and soul of the frustrations, hurts and triggers that I struggle with every day.
This is how my mind feels every day…
What this is telling me that I have to work daily routine of accepting things that I can’t change and focus on things that I can change. To me this is extremely frustrating and relieving at the same time, it shows that there is hope but its going to be a daily routine in which some continuous days I struggle with putting the dirty dishes in the dish washer. I see that I have to add this information to my tool box and utilize it every day.
We can grow beautiful humans inside our bodies and have unconditional love for them that is unexplainable or imaginable, but we can’t show that same love to our core.
I have a little girl inside me that is about 6 or 7, that has been hiding behind the most beautiful tree with a beautiful grass meadow. She has been there for 31 years and I have not allowed her to come out because I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared that if I show her the love that she deserves, someone will come and knock it down. As a 38 year old woman, I am scared and not healthy enough to show her true love. Thats until I forgave myself. Forgiving myself for not loving me, loving that little girl inside. All she wants is protection, love and safety. These are all things that I at 38 am capable of doing but have been looking outside myself for approval, acceptance and love. Everything that I need in life is inside myself, and in all of us.
Motherhood & Mental Health 